


Fire Burns Brighter in Darkness

by Miss Spock (SentinelSpockNimoy)



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Internal Conflict, Katra, M/M, Mental Link, Mind Meld, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, T'hy'la, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 07:49:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12883353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SentinelSpockNimoy/pseuds/Miss%20Spock
Summary: After a traumatic emotional breakdown, Spock finds comfort and healing in the arms of Captain James T. Kirk. Together, the two try to sort out Spock's emotions, while an unexpected enemy sets out on a sinister vendetta that threatens their lives and tries to put out the spark of their newfound love. But such a fire will only burn brighter in the midst of the growing darkness.





	1. Darkness Within

**Author's Note:**

> A few things you should know before I start:
> 
> 1\. This is based off a role-play I'm doing with a friend. She will be included in the story as herself, but she is not a Sue because the story doesn't center around her, and none of the characters fall in love with her. I normally don't insert RL people into my fics, but since I'm writing this for her, and she requested to be included, I will make an exception.
> 
> 2\. I imagine this happening only in TOS, but we never specified that in the RP, so imagine it how you want to.
> 
> 3\. Some characters will be very OOC (not telling who, that's a spoiler). But this is necessary for reasons you will see as you read.
> 
> 4\. Yes, there is Kirk/Spock affection, but I'm not planning to write a lemon scene. If they do that, it will only be briefly implied.
> 
> 5\. There will be mild dark moments, such as the beginning, but I promise it's not all bad.
> 
> 6\. I do not own Star Trek, its characters, or Kayla.

You must have been in a place so dark  
You couldn't feel the light  
Reachin' for you through that stormy cloud

\- 1. Darkness Within -

S'chn T'gai Spock did not like storms. They were disorderly, illogical, and unpredictable, all things that defined the exact opposite of him. And yet he was constantly aware of the ever present storm raging inside his very being. The one caused by his two halves always at war with each other. Logic versus emotion. Intelligence versus empathy. Knowledge versus blissful ignorance. Such was his daily life. Usually, he could keep the emotional side under control. But over time, its anger and pain built up and were becoming much more difficult to control. And the space station's people made it even worse, each race having something to say.

"They brought Vulcan trash…" A Romulan.

"…ugly green-blooded scum…" A Klingon.

"Inferior species." A Kelvan. But the worst were those who recognized him and targeted him specifically.

"Hey, ent that Ambassador Sarek's half-breed swine?" An Orion.

"They allowed the abominable runt to live." An Andorian. And the worst of all.

"One of ours made the bastard and called the thing a child." A human.

These and various other comments he'd heard during their week long stay here refused to leave him be. They nagged at his emotional half, feeding pain and anger, snubbing logic entirely. Their voices were hot pokers in his mind, ravenous beasts feeding on his heart. He could feel his control weakening, coherent thoughts beginning to falter and give way to impulse as he abandoned his journey to the science labs and went instead to his quarters.

Of course, to onlookers, he appeared perfectly normal, giving no hint of the turmoil going on within him. As a result, no one thought to follow him or stop him. And such was the beginning of a much greater, more powerful storm that would envelop not only him, but others around him. Others he tried to shield from his secret inner war.

Kayla hadn't been on the Enterprise that long, and already she could see what her fellow Ensigns meant when they said there was never a dull day. Already she had witnessed a table of Klingons scramble away from their table when a crabby young waiter had accidentally-on-purpose dropped a tribble in their midst and the furry creature had begun screeching loudly, much to the annoyance of other patrons in the lounge.

Now she was back aboard the Enterprise and on her way to the bridge. Her senior officer, Spock, had ordered her to take over the science station on the bridge while he went to oversee some experiment in the science labs. Earlier that week, he had used a mind meld to give her a crash course in running the station, so she knew the console and instruments as well as he did. Plus, it was good training for whenever she got promoted to a higher rank, which, like any Ensign, she hoped to do one day.

She came in to find the bridge crew looking utterly bored out of their minds, the younger members seeming half asleep at their posts. Even Captain James Tiberius Kirk was slumped in the captain's chair, his head in one hand, his eyes flicking across the PADD he held, not really paying attention to the report he was reading before he signed off on it and handed it back to Yeoman Janice Rand, who quickly left with it. Pavel Chekov and Hikaru Sulu got into one of their mini-skirmishes over whether or not something was invented in Russia (for Chekov, everything came from Russia). Kayla merely nodded to Lieutenant Nyota Uhura and the two shared an eye roll before Kayla took her post at the science console. So it was for the next few hours, until the captain spoke.

"Anything to report?" Kirk asked of no one in particular.

"Negative. Keptin." came Chekov's response.

"Same here." added Sulu.

"Nothing." confirmed Uhura, "…wait…" She adjusted her earpiece and turned to face the captain, her eyes wide in surprise. "Captain, that was the science department. They said Mr. Spock hasn't shown up at the labs, and he was due there hours ago. They've tried calling his communicator, his quarters, everything. He won't answer."

Kirk swore softly as he opened a communications link. "Bridge to Scotty, come in." There a short pause, then a thick Scottish accent was heard from the chief engineer.

"Scott here, sir." Kirk cleared his throat and spoke.

"Has anyone left the ship recently via the transporter or the shuttlecraft?"

"No sir, not since you and the others came back from the space station. Why?"

"We're looking for Mr. Spock, he was due at the labs and he never showed up." There was a pause as Scott took that in.

"Mr. Spock bein' a no-show? Now that's somethin' odd indeed. I'll certainly keep an eye out for him, Captain, and I'll be sure and inform you if I see him."

"Thank you, Scotty, Kirk out." He closed the link and turned back to the others. "Well, Mr. Scott confirms he's still on the Enterprise somewhere, we just have to figure out where. Any ideas?" Kayla stood up from her station.

"I'll search for him, sir. As a science officer, I know all the places he might have gone to."

"Thank you, Ensign, make a report when you find him please." Kirk nodded as she headed for the turbolift.

"Yes sir, I will."

Little did she know of what she would soon have to report.

Dr. Leonard McCoy shook his head after he got off the com with the scientist in the labs. Spock not showing up? That was unheard of, unless something important came up. But the captain and bridge crew hadn't seen the Vulcan either, so that couldn't be the case. The man wasn't injured or sick, or someone would have called Sickbay about him, or Spock would have come in himself. The Vulcan may be stubborn and a little more proud than he would ever admit, but he wasn't stupid. He knew not to mess with medical issues.

So what could it be?

McCoy racked his brains trying to figure it out, but he couldn't come to a reasonable explanation. Something didn't add up, and the doctor got a bad feeling there was more to the situation than anyone realized. He couldn't explain what it was or how he knew, but his gut told him something was very wrong aboard the Enterprise. Something had gone horribly wrong with the First Officer.

Spock made it back to his quarters quickly. He knew he was supposed to report to the science labs, but they wouldn't notice he was late right away, and it would be hours before they would call around looking for him. He hoped to have his inner storms quelled by then. He changed into his dark robes and pulled out a mat which he spread on the floor. It was times like this when meditating was usually most helpful to him.

But today was different.

The minute he retreated inside himself, he was assaulted by his emotions. Pain, rage, and sadness attacked from all sides, so suddenly that he almost let out a vocal cry of pain. Ie fought to reign each of them in, but every time he got one under control, the other two would overtake him. Soon he was no longer trying to control them, he was just trying to shield himself from them. But they soon overtook him, forcing him out of his meditative state. By then, it seemed his body was not his own. He saw as though looking through another's eyes. He felt numb all over. His limbs and hands seemed to move all on their own as he walked over to stand at the foot of his bed. His hand drew his phaser from its holster and raised it to his temple after setting it on its highest setting. He didn't hear his hand moving the weapon anymore, so he didn't realize what his hand was doing. All he could hear was a dull ringing and silence. Time seemed to slow almost to a stop. He could feel himself falling-or was he floating-slowly backward as his vision swirled completely out of focus and then went dark.

Hours later, an earsplitting shriek tore from the SIC's room where Kayla now stood by the Vulcan's bedside. Her senior officer lay on his back, eyes rolled back in his head, green blood soaking his pillow and sheets. On the floor, where it had slipped from his hand as he fell, lay a now cold phaser with splatters of green on it.


	2. Shadows

How do you get that lonely,  
How do you hurt that bad  
To make you make the call,  
That havin' no life at all  
Is better than the life that you had  
How do you feel so empty,  
You want to let it all go  
How do you get that lonely  
And nobody knows

\- 2. Shadows -

Doctor McCoy could not believe what he'd just heard.

Spock, the very Spock whose stony logic drove the medic up a wall at times, had inexplicably committed suicide. The Vulcan had shot himself in the head with his phaser. But why? What could drive the man to do something so sudden, so out of character, so…illogical! For that was the only word McCoy could think of that fit. He may not have gotten along well with Spock, but he knew the commander better than anyone except Captain Kirk. So this came as a total shock. As he ran to the SIC's quarters, he wondered how his best friend was taking the news.

Kirk had not yet learned of his first officer's ill fate, and would not for some time. He was, at the moment, busy with Starfleet command. They had called an urgent video meeting with him, which was why he was barricaded inside a conference room speaking with some official whose name he couldn't recall. The order was regarding unusual behavior from the leaders of Vulcan. Since they were the closest ship and they had a Vulcan officer on board, Starfleet had decided to send the Enterprise to investigate. Kirk inwardly groaned. Vulcan was not one of his favorite places, not since the incident with Spock and T'Pring. He tolerated the Vulcan people and was polite to them, but the only one of them he actually cared about was Spock, whom no one else on that planet seemed to give a second thought to.

Spock was on his mind a lot more than usual, which was saying something. Kirk was always thinking about the Vulcan, and not just in a professional way. The unspoken fact that Jim and Spock were best friends was known throughout the Enterprise. When they were off duty, they could be found in one of the rec rooms playing chess, both oblivious to their surroundings, focused intently on the game. But in actuality, Jim wasn't paying attention to the game at all. He was more focused on his opponent. Delicate, slender, green-tinged fingers closed around a white pawn. Slanted eyebrows called his attention to the soft brown eyes that meticulously scanned the board. That perfectly sculpted face, topped by hair like ebony silk, from which two greenish ears stuck out in graceful, upswept points. Overall flawlessness and beauty as far as the captain was concerned.

"Captain!" The official barked, bringing him out of his reverie. He scowled and made sure the man saw it.

"Yes, I understand the orders, for the thousandth time!" Jim snapped. The official didn't even blink.

"Good. You will report back when the mission is completed, yes?"

"If it means you leave me alone now, then yes, yes, and YES!" Jim threw his hands up in exasperation.

"Good. That is all. Starfleet out." The screen went blank as the transmission cut off. Kirk sighed as he stood up and left to go issue the new orders to the bridge crew, part of his mind still on Spock as he walked.

Everyone knew he and the Vulcan were best friends, but lately Jim found himself wanting something more. Every time he looked at Spock, his heart gave a little jolt and he felt warm all over. He couldn't stop himself from staring at the Vulcan's deceptively lean frame and imagining what it would be like to just hold him in his arms, run his fingers through the always neat black hair, even steal a kiss from those stoic lips...

That had been a wakeup call to Jim when he started having thoughts like that. And when he started making himself sick with worry every time the Vulcan got hurt. The way that just seeing Spock in any kind of pain twisted his gut and made his chest clench up so it was hard to breathe. And how relieved he felt at hearing his first officer was going to be okay. Something in him had been growing and growing, right up to the incident with Spock's Pon Farr, and only when he heard McCoy's account of all that had happened on Vulcan after he'd "died" and Spock had told T'Pau he would neither live long nor prosper for killing his captain, did Jim realize what had happened to him.

He had fallen completely and irrevocably in love with Spock.

And that wasn't even the best part.

Out of his impulse and his relief at seeing Spock was okay (and maybe with some unintentional help from McCoy's medicine) Jim had blurted out that he loved Spock. He had immediately recoiled, expecting the Vulcan to scoff and call him illogical. He braced himself for the rejection.

But it never came.

Instead, he felt a soft touch on his shoulder and looked up into warm, soft brown eyes and a face with a surprised expression…and was that a tinge of relief he saw?

"You…You love me, Jim?" It was the first time he'd ever heard Spock stutter. He nodded.

"Yes, Spock, I won't lie to you. I've fallen helplessly in love with you." The Vulcan closed his eyes, as if allowing that to sink in, before he turned back to Jim.

"Captain…I wanted to tell you before the Pon Farr…I too have developed feelings which you humans call 'love' for someone. I was hoping you could help me with how to approach it."

"Just tell them, Spock. If they care about you in return, they'll be happy to know."

"…Very well, but it's…well, it is difficult…The person is not a woman, sir." Spock shifted uncomfortably.

"Oh? Well who's the luckiest man in the Universe to have you fall for him?" Kirk said, a bit teasingly. Spock stared right at him, looked him in the eyes, and answered with all seriousness possible.

"…You, Jim."

That had been the best feeling he could've imagined. To know that Spock loved him back, that the Vulcan had fallen just as hard for Kirk as Kirk had for the Vulcan. He still remembered pulling Spock into his arms, just as he had often daydreamed of doing so many times. But this was even better, because now Spock was holding him too. They had spent the rest of that day, and many after, living out the dreams they had with each other, their love growing ever stronger with time.

Jim sighed. He hoped they found Spock soon. He hadn't allowed them all to see just how worried he truly was as he took his place in the Captain's chair and began writing up and issuing the new orders from Starfleet.

"Dear God!" McCoy exclaimed when he walked in and saw the Vulcan's body, along with the blood on the walls and bedding. Sure, it was green and not as brightly colored as red human blood, but it was just as unsettling. Kayla stood beside him, her look of horror frozen on her face. McCoy couldn't blame her. The poor girl hadn't been on the ship that long, and already she had discovered a disaster. He remembered his days as an Ensign. He had seen plenty of strange and horrifying things, but he'd never walked in on his senior officer's corpse dead from suicide. Kayla sat down and buried her face in Spock's blankets as she started sobbing.

"Why?" she squeaked out, "Why would he do this?"

"Beats the hell out of me. I'm a doctor, not a psychologist." Kayla was too confused and upset to tell him that a psychologist was a type of doctor.

"Can't you do something to save him?" Bones had been dreading that question.

"I'm sorry, Kayla, but he's gone. If there was something I could do, believe me, I would, but I can't. He's gone." McCoy crossed his arms in frustration, when another thought entered his head.

What is this doing to Jim?

The captain had been on his way to the cafeteria when the pain had hit, like his head and heart were being ripped from his body. He'd crumpled to a heap in the floor, crying out and clutching at his chest and head, while frantic crew members gathered around him. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, his pain ended. He lay in the floor winded for a moment before he shot up screaming one word as he took off running.

"SPOCK!"

Jim raced off the turbolift and bolted for Spock's quarters. And froze in shock when he saw his beloved Vulcan laying lifeless whit a phaser wound to his head.

"No. No, Spock, no!" He dropped to his knees at Spock's side, gathering him into his arms, screaming and pleading with the Vulcan to wake up, to blink his eyes, to do something to show he was still here with them. But it was no use. With tears flowing, Kirk gently laid Spock down again and stood there, in shock, not knowing what to do now.

"I'm so sorry, Jim." McCoy said softly as he placed his hand on Jim's shoulder, "He was a good man. Stubborn as hell and drove me insane, but there wasn't a mean bone in his body." Jim didn't seem to hear him.

"Why, Spock? What was wrong?" Jim shook his head as he looked down at the alien, softly stroking his hair, "Who hurt you, my sweet t'hy'la? Who hurt you this much, that it took you away from me?" He gently kissed Spock's forehead, right between his pointed brows.

"Kayla, let's give him some time alone." McCoy whispered as the two of them quietly walked out, leaving Jim alone with his lost love.

Kayla went back to her duties as an ensign, but she was noticeably distant, her mind not really there. She found herself feeling strangely distant from herself, or doing things she hadn't remembered wanting to do. She seemed to hear voices that no one else could. What was going on with her?

"…fascinating…" The voice was definitely there, in her mind. But it was definitely not hers.

What the heck?, Kayla thought, who are you?

"Ensign Kayla…this is most unfortunate." She gasped. Even without him saying it, there was only one person she knew who talked like that and whose voice sounded like that.

Commander Spock!


	3. A Spark of Hope

Every now and then   
Soft as breath upon my skin   
I feel you, come back again   
And it's like, you haven't been   
Gone a moment from my side   
Like the tears were never cried

-3. A Spark of Hope -

Kayla ran like lightning to Sickbay, where Bones had moved Spock's body and was now standing over it with a bewildered look on his face.

"What the hell?" the doctor was saying as he ran a tricorder over the body.

"What is it?" Kayla asked, her own issue momentarily forgotten in favor of curiosity at what the medic was finding

"His body. I managed to bring it back, but..."

"But what?" Kayla pressed.

"...but something's not right. The lights are on but nobody's home."

"What does that mean?" Kayla asked. Bones leaned on the side of the table where he had Spock's body.

"It means his body is alive, but there's no one in it." The doctor shook his head, " Where the hell did that pointy-eared idiot go?"

"Um...would you believe me if I said he was in me?" Kayla asked.

"What?"

"He mind melded with me, remember? When he taught me to run the science station." McCoy's face brightened up.

"You can work that thing? Oh good, I was worried we'd need a replacement Vulcan. But if you can do it, we'll be fine." He'd never admit it out loud, but the idea of a science officer that didn't drive him insane was very tantalizing to him. So much that it came out in his new temperment.

"What do we do now?" Kayla asked.

"You can replace him and I can take his husk off life support." Was it her imagination, or did he seem just a bit too happy to take Spock off life support. She felt him stir in her mind, which reminded her completely of her condition.

"Doc, I can't go walking around with two people in my head, free to do what I want, while poor Mr. Spock is trapped in my head. It's not right." She scoffed. Then her voice seemed to change tone, without her realizing it, two words escaped her.

"It's...illogical."

McCoy froze.

The doctor turned slowly to face her.

"What did you just say?" His voice was soft and shaky with disbelief.

"Illogical." she repeated, without meaning to. McCoy's eyes widened.

"Oh dear God, now you're turning into one, too! One of them was bad enough!"

"Don't be stupid, Bones, I'm not turning into a Vulcan." I hope, she added to herself.

"Oh no? You're talking like a Vulcan. One specific Vulcan, to be exact."

"It's not me talking, then...it's Spock!" Kayla's eyes got as big as the Enterprise

"Well, make him shut up." growled an irritated McCoy.

"If I were human," she said, but in a deep male voice that was certainly not her own, "I may have been offended by that, Doctor." That sent McCoy into a frenzy.

"YOU EVEN SOUND LIKE HIM!" the doctor screamed. Kayla's hands flew to her mouth.

"Th-that w-wasn't me!" she stuttered in her own voice.

"How the hell do we get him out of you?" Bones smacked the table, frustrated. "Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a Vulcan brain surgeon!"

"A doctor is supposed to know how to fix stuff like this!"

"I deal with physical, body stuff! Not this weird Vulcan mental crap! Can't you just...I don't know, mentally shove him out or something? Shoot him back into his own head?" Kayla's voice changed again to that of Spock as she glared at him.

"The odds of that working are almost none."

"Oh, for God's sake, Spock, get your ass out of her!" The Vulcan raised Kayla's eyebrow at him.

"Doctor, I am unable to get my "ass" out, as it is not in here with me." Kayla facepalmed. Spock had the worst timing for his attempts at humor.

"If you weren't in the body of a female crewmember, I'd smack you so hard right now. This is serious, Spock!"

"I was not attempting humor, Doctor."

"Well then would you please try to do SOMETHING to help this situation, before I go insane?" The doctor was red in the face by now.

"Why don't we try a meld?" Kayla suggested. The doctor's eyes lit up.

"Kayla, that's it! You can have him mind meld with his body and go back that way! It should work, since you seem to have his other abilities, like being able to figure out that confounded science station."

"What have we got to lose?" Kayla shrugged and walked over to Spock's body. Spock then took control, placing his hands in the correct positions. It was strange, attempting this in a body that was completely alien to him, and attempting this on his own body. He concentrated, trying to find the right pathways to form a meld. But Kayla's human brain and lack of telepathic ability made it impossible, and he gave up after trying every way he knew of.

"Dammit." Bones swore when Kayla told him, "now what do we do?"

"Take me home." Spock had taken over her again.

You have GOT to stop doing that, Kayla snapped at Spock.

"What, take you to Vulcan?" Spock/Kayla nodded.

"Ugh, fine." McCoy went to his office, pulled out a PADD and wrote up a top priority confidential medical order to go to Vulcan. He handed it to a nurse to have her take it to the bridge.

"What was that about?" Kayla, now herself again, asked, "That was freaky."

"Just got worse." said Bones, "We're going to Vulcan." Kayla raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"Said who?"

"Who do you think?" Bones crossed his arms over his chest.

"Oh yeah. That makes sense." Kayla leaned against a wall, "But why couldn't he tell us this before now?"

"He's an ass." Bones stated, as if it were an obvious fact. Kayla stared at him.

"That was a bit harsh, Doc."

"Please. You haven't tried to give him a physical."

"If he took over while you were giving me one, I'd laugh so hard." Kayla had to stop herself from giggling as Bones glared daggers at her.

"Let's just get to Vulcan so I can kick his ass." he grumbled.


End file.
